Your Peaceful Revery

Awakened as if violently being shaken from a deep sleep, earthquake rattle, an enormous glaring spot light being flipped on leaving nothing to the imagination, nothing allowed to hide in the shadows; any unanswered questions no longer relevant, all bets were off…issues of importance, a blank page – gone, vanished

You held my face in your hands, tears in your eyes; I’m sorry I’m sorry, you repeated over and over trying to make sense of the glaring spot light, focusing a lens, clarity, such painful clarity, necessary clarity; you spoke in a gentle voice trying to wake me, gently, but your words cut with precision…and I knew I was alone

The bar was lit with candles muted gold faux glazed walls, cold Vodka in a tall thin glass with a sliver of lime, daily Xanax, the end of another day spilling over, sorrow, fear, no public display of an emotional meltdown, no identification or hint of distress…protective camouflage garb – poker face

How could I have had expectations, I was the caregiver, you called me your angel that protected and dedicated without hesitation, how could I have not known, been aware; stepping outside of an old black and white flick where the camera angle and lighting spoke volumes, there were no words necessary, no word spoken…silence was more than an innuendo

My pain, my fear, never allowing the thought that you could die; except once, one fleeting moment an abstract thought, what if, what if…the word, widow just a thought never spoken…in that fleeting moment my protective camouflage garb poker face crumbled, exploded and what I wanted, what I needed was you – you to be my strength for a moment, arms wrapped around me absorbing my horror, healing my breaking heart, soothing my pain, a lullaby to ease me into a peaceful revery…but you couldn’t

You held my face in your hands, tears in your eyes; I’m sorry, I’m sorry…we held each other and never let go remaining in your peaceful revery –

© TrilbyYates 2016